


Codger's Kryptonite

by GrandMoffAmbrius



Series: The Codgers [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, No one thinks Tony's jokes are funny, Steve and Bucky really are just a pair of old codgers, Steve and Bucky want to kill Tony, Team as Family, Tony meant it as a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 13:25:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3210737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrandMoffAmbrius/pseuds/GrandMoffAmbrius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is a dead man but then he surprising finds out Steve's and Bucky's secret Kryptonite.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Codger's Kryptonite

**Author's Note:**

> This came to me when I thought of an episode of American Dad. This has not been beated so any and all mistakes are my own. Reviews and Kudos are nice things to get.

Pepper Potts was sitting in the communal floor of Avenger Tower reading a magazine when she heard her name being cried out. 

“Pepper! Pepper, you got to save me!”

Looking up, she saw a look a true terror etched on Tony' Starks face. It was the same look of terror he had whenever he suffered a panic attack or woke-up from a particularly horrible nightmare that involved her death, the team getting hurt or the his own near death experience during the Battle of New York. 

“Please, Pepper you gotta help me. They'll going to kill me.”

Calmly closing her magazine, Pepper set it on the coffee table and folded her hands in her lap. “That particular line is forming around the block Tony so you're going to have to be a little more specific.”

“We don't have time for this,” Tony told her frantically as he stared to look about the room. “I've got it,” he suddenly exclaimed as he sprinted backs towards the elevator. “JARVIS, get the panic-room on sub-level 5-”

“Is still being reconstructed after you had Dr. Banner test it and the other panic-rooms to see of it was Hulk-proof to which none where,” JARVIS informed him, causing the Iron Avenger to stop in his tracks.

“I'll ask you again, Tony,” Pepper began in her CEO voice as she rose from the couch, “who exactly is trying to kill you?”

Tony turned but kept his gaze directed at the floor. “Rogers and Barnes.”

“I see,” Pepper replied as she crossed her arms, “and why would they want to do that?”

“Because they neither one of them have a sense of humor. You know how Captain-Stick-Up-His-Butt can get especially when it involves his Robocop.”

Pepper merely hummed skeptically. As Tony started to wriggly his hands together, Pepper pulled her cellphone out of her pocket. “Natasha texted me the details. Sorry, Tony. You're on your own.

“Oh crap,” Tony lamented as his faced paled.

“Oh crap nothing. How could you be so stupid, Tony?” Pepper asked. “I really don’t blame those two for wanting to kill you.”

“It was just supposed to be a little joke.”

=A Couple of Hours Ago=

Captain America, Black Widow, Iron Man and the Winter Soldier were surrounded by no more than two hundred HYDRA soldiers with the imposing figure of Baron Wolfgang von Strucker leading them.

“So Captain, do you have any last words?” the HYDRA leader asked as his Satan's Claw powered up.

“Yeah I do,” the Captain replied with a smirk as he half-turned his face towards Bucky. “Time for Tony's emergency supplies.”

“Right” Bucky answered as he tapped the newly installed hatch on his robotic arm to release the secret surprise Tony had installed during his last routine maintenance

However instead of some newly developed weapon or emergency grenade, a large bottle of lube and a very long roll of condoms were ejected from the compartment and landed before the heroes and villains. Steve and Bucky looked at each other in shock. Natasha just gave Tony a look of pure derision. Tony was glad his face was hidden behind mask because no one could see his gawking wide-eyed fish-like expression.

Even their HYDRA opponents were left in a stupor. Many of the soldiers were looking from the lube in condoms to the two Super Soldiers and them to each other with bewildered expressions. Even aristocratic Baron Strucker was at a loss of words. His eyes grew so wide at the sight of the items that his trademark monocle fell from his eye in such a comedic manner that it reminded Tony of Colonel Klink.

“Dammit Tony,” the two Super Soldiers exclaimed at the same time.

Later, after they had defeated the majority HYDRA soldiers and Strucker had escaped with the rest, Tony made a very hasty escape back to the tower when the Captain and Soldier were not looking.

==End Flashback==

“Forgive the interruption, Sir but Captain Rogers, Sargent Barnes and Miss Romanov have just returned to the tower.” JARVIS calmly informed him. “Sergeant Barnes and Miss Romanov are escorting prisoners to the holding cells while Captain Rogers is currently on the private elevator heading up to the communal floor.”

Tony Stark was dead man. His current Iron Man suite had sustained too much damaged from the fight and was in no state to fly him to safety after he just barely made it back to the tower before the power gave out. He could not use any of his other suits as they were not operation at the moment for one reason or another. Just as he was contemplating throwing himself off the balcony, Clint suddenly jumped down from one of the above the air vents and Tony broke out in a smile of hope. “Barton! My favorite marksmen! Tell me you got a wonderful little arrow that packs enough tranquilizer to put down two Super Soldiers?”

“Nope,” Clint answered as he plopped down in the chair next to the couch. “I just wanted a front row seat to the major ass beating those two are going to give you.”

“I'm so screwed.”

At that moment, the elevator dinged and the door opened to revealed a fuming Steve Rogers. “Tony!” he yelled.

“Cripes.”

As Steve stormed towards him, Tony saw he had his shield on his arm and he grabbed the first thing he saw in an attempt to defend himself which turned out to be the TV remote.

“You've got some nerve! I don't even know where to begin!”

“Well in that case I’ll just leave you to collect your thoughts and-”

“Oh no,” Steve said as he held his arm out to keep Tony from running. 

Tony could hear Pepper and Clint trying their best to conceal their laughter as Steve crossed his arms and leaned in close to Tony. Clint quickly got out of the range of fire and stood next to Pepper.

“Condoms and lube! That's your idea of emergency supplies? I just don't get why you think everything had be such a joke. Don't you realize what could have happened to us if things really got bad out there? We could have been killed! Why do you have to act so juvenile? You're always going on about being such a genius so why can't you act like it instead of your shoe size?”

Fearing he was about to get whacked by the Captain's vibranium shield Tony acted on the first idea that popped into his head. “Steve look, the Weather Channel,” Tony declared as he turned the TV on.

“Tony, I don't care...” Steve's words died off as he caught sight of the weather map. “Whoa, look at the size of the storm front heading towards Chicago. Huh. Differently don't want to be driving on those roads.”

Steve made his way to the coach and sat down, never taking his eyes off the TV. Tony quickly moved to hide behind Pepper who shot him a look of pure disbelief that he was trying to hide behind her. Clint snorted when Tony asked Pepper, “What?”

“Holy cow!” Steve suddenly exclaimed. “110 in Flagstaff? No, thank you.”

Steve, it would seem, had lost his focus on Tony and was his attention was now directed to the meteorologist who was now going over the weather for Florida. The trio, especially Tony, remained silent as they watched Steve. Tony reminded himself to thank Bruce for choosing to watch the Weather Channel that morning while he ate breakfast and leaving it on that channel when he turned the TV off. Just when Tony thought he had the best chance to slip away unnoticed, the elevator dinged and the door opened to reveal a pissed-off looking Bucky Barnes.

“Stark!” Bucky cried out as he stalked off the elevator with Natasha in tow. “When I get through with you, I'll be using your head for a bowling ball!”

“James, Weather Channel,” Tony said pointing to the TV, hoping the hypnotic effect worked on former brain washed HYDRA assassins.

“The Weather…” Bucky trailed off when he looked at the TV and saw the forecast for Miami Florida. “The humidity is going to be how high? It’s going to be too muggy to go outside.”

“I know,” Steve said as he moved over so Bucky could sit next to him.

Tony, Clint, Pepper and Natasha just watched in amazement as the two Super Soldiers sat on the couch totally engrossed with the Weather Channel.

“This is just too funny,” Pepper said. 

“I always thought they were each other’s Kryptonite,” Clint commented as he Bucky offered a colorful complaint about the forecast of rain for New York in the coming days. “They really are a pair of old codgers.”

“I know,” Natasha said with a smirk as she turned towards Tony. “You know what this means?”

“I do. Heaven help us if HYDRA ever finds out all it takes to immobilize Captain America and the Winter Solider is the Weather Channel.”

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought of this with a kind review, kudos, bookmark or all three even!
> 
> I hoped you found this humorous. Once the idea for it popped into my head, I just had to wrote it. For those of you who are waiting for the next chapter of my story Lazarus, I'm about 1/4 of the way done writing it and I'll give you this little spoiler alert about it: the chapter is all about HYDRA.


End file.
